This is what my life as a fat girl has been like and the reasons I have decided to have weight loss surgery.
I will start with me as a teenager. Looking back I was an average size but I always thought that my hips were too big and I longed to be as thin as some of my friends and the other girls in my grade. I remember trying to starve myself but that didn’t last long since I have always had a love of food, I tried to make myself vomit after I ate since I couldn’t resist eating but that never worked well either. I never thought maybe I need to change what I eat, that was a foreign concept to me at the time. If I only knew then what I know now then maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today.
Then I had my first son and I put on 40 lbs I was 18 years old at the time and I started weight watchers and did really well, I got down to 137 lbs but according to them because I am only 5′ 2″ I still needed to lose at least 6lbs. I tried and tried but I hit a plateau at 137 lbs and I finally gave up. I gained 30 back and I was 167 lbs 3 years later when I married my husband.
Now I am married and I get pregnant with my second son and I put on more weight. I am 257 lbs the day I give birth to my second son, I lose 30 lbs fairly quickly again with weight watchers but it is not long before I am back into bad habits and over the years I gain and lose the same 30 lbs over and over again. I try several different diets, exercise programs, and diet pills all with the same results.
I always knew I was fat but I never realized how fat I was, I know it sounds ridiculous just look in a mirror or step on a scale right? Maybe I was in denial I don’t know but I obsessively stepped on my scale and looked in the mirror and I just didn’t see it.
That all changed in November of 2011 when my husband and I took our boys to Disneyland. On the plane ride the seat belt fit but thankfully I had my skinny boys on either side to give my ass some extra room, the food tray came down but it was tight. The rides at Disneyland were fun and we had a great time, my feet not so much. Next we went to Sea World and I tried to go on a ride with the kids and I was told I did not fit and would have to get off, OMG the humiliation! I couldn’t belive it I was 236 lbs at the time and I didn’t fit, now I am paranoid for every park we go to because what if I don’t fit? Then it happened again at Knottsberry Farm I couldn’t do up a seat belt and had to get off the ride and do the walk of shame leaving my 10 year old son on this incredible scary roller coaster by himself.
A few years went by and nothing changed much despite the awful way I felt on that trip. I gainEd some weight back again and I am now back up to 257 lbs when we book a family vacation to Orlando, here we go again! January 29, 2015 we leave for Florida and I know the seat belt on the plane still does up because in September I went to Las Vegas with my mom, but now the tray doesn’t really go all the way down. Again I had no problems with the rides at Disney World but I had to skip a few rides at Universal Studios after trying the test seat and knowing I wouldn’t fit. The test seat, a seat outside the ride that you sit in to see if you fit in a regular or what they call a “modified” seat or none at all while everyone walking past you stares at you. I tried the test seats and had to ask for a modified seat on a few rides and had to skip a few but my kids never complained once that they couldn’t ride in the front row or the very back as only certain rows have the modified seats.
Those are just the problems I have encountered on vacation. What about the day to day worries and embarrasement?
I will write about that in my next post as I think this one has gone on long enough and I have my sons lacrosse game to get to.