In my last post I talked about some of the problems I have encountered during vacation because of my weight, today I want to talk about what it is like to live your life as a fat girl.
Every morning I struggle with the scale, yes every day! I know from years of dieting that weighing yourself more than once a week is not good because weight fluctuates but every morning I have to talk myself out of stepping on that damn scale. I ate “good” yesterday maybe I will be down today, sure overnight the weight just disappeared, what is wrong with me? I know better than to think this way.
Getting dressed everyday is a hassle because even though I have a closet full of beautiful clothing I never put on anything and think gee I look really good today, it is more of a well I look better than yesterday or at least this hides a little fat. I am know laughing at myself for the last comment, how do you hide over 100 lbs of excess fat? You don’t!
Do you ever worry about going out with your friends because what if they pick the booth at the restaurant? Am I going to fit? How do you tell your friends can we sit at a table with chairs because I am not sure my ass will fit in this booth? Not that long ago I went to lunch with 3 of my amazing girlfriends and I went to walk in between 2 tables to get to where we would sit and my rear end literally knocked utensils off the table next to ours, I am not totally embarrassed because I am sure the whole restaurant is looking at me. Through my embarrassment I pretend that I don’t care and pick the stuff up off the floor while my lovely friend behind me moves the table out the way and gives me this smile that tells me it’s okay and not to worry about it.
How about camping? My weight could’t possibly be an issue then, could it? It is an issue because when my husband and I bought I trailer we would have private conversations away from the salesman about, would I fit in the dinette or the shower? That is not the only consideration though. Anyone who camps with friends or in a group knows that chairs get left by the fire and you end up sitting wherever, I won’t because I am terrified I will break a friends flimsy camping chair. It is bad enough when my starts to tear but I certainly don’t want to break a friends.
Just one more for today, watching my son’s play sports. I always feel like the other moms are judging me so I don’t talk to them unless they talk to me first. I hate sitting on the bleachers at some of the arena’s because as soon as I take my first step it makes this sound that sounds a little like it’s crying for me to get off. Some of the arena’s have built in seating and those are better but I hope we don’t have to squish in because my butt is going to take up 2 seats and I would hate to be the reason someone doesn’t get a seat.
That is just a little bit of what I think about and feel like on a pretty regular basis. It feels good to get this off my chest since the only one that probably knows how much I think about my weight is my husband and I am not sure he even knows.