Another Week, Another Loss!

Down another 2.8 lbs this week for a total of 26.4!!!

I am very excited by my loss this week since I am now 230.6 lbs, it has been so long since I have seen a number below 233. I have still have a long way to go but I am going in the right direction at least.

Last weeks goals were to:

  1. Increase Activity – this goal was kind of sort of met, I have not done much for formal activity for the week but I did finish my diva den and that took about 3 hours of lifting and moving. I also helped my hubby (as much as his OCD would allow) organize our stuff that I moved into our shed.
  2. Find 2 things about my body that I like – this was way harder than it sounds, I have decided on my face and my hair. I have always liked my hair and after much examining of myself in the mirror I decided I think I have a pretty face.

I find it very sad that having said I think I have a pretty face makes me feel uncomfortable because when I say something like that out loud, or in this case write it down I feel like I am being conceited or vain. When did it become so awful to think and say nice things about yourself? I think this will be something I will really need to work on both pre & post op. I need to learn to love myself!!!

I have had a few really good weeks and I am only 1.8 lbs away from adding a new picture to my progress page so I am hoping to really be able to stay on track this week. Having said that this weekend is my husband’s family reunion and we will be staying in our trailer, the problem is that the food is being provided and will all be very delicious. I am not sure how I am going to be able to go to this reunion for 3 days and stay on track but I am sure the hell gonna try.

The plan:

  1. Pack the trailer with protein bars, protein drinks, fruits, veggies & yogurt.
  2. For snacks, eat the above foods only.
  3. Drink extra water.
  4. Take walks if possible (maybe I can convince my hubby to come).
  5. Limit the carbs and try to stick to mostly protein and veggies or fruit.

My goal for this week is to stick to the above plan as much as possible. This is going to be a huge task for me so this will be my only goal this week.

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Body Image

My weigh in and last weeks goals:

I lost 1.4 lbs this week for a total of 23.6!

Last weeks goals were to finish my “diva den” and to lose 1.5 lbs. I lost 1.4 so close enough, as for the diva den I will be done this weekend. I did get some more things done and I just need to move a few more things out with the help of my hubby this weekend then it will be usable. I still want to get a TV and cable hooked up for while I am on my treadmill but until then I can watch Netflix on my laptop and listen to music.

Now for a brief clinic update, I went to the pre-surgery class this past Monday and unfortunately although it gave good information it was mostly information I had already researched on my own. I was hoping something would be said to help me make a final decision on either the gastric sleeve or bypass and that didn’t happen, therefore I will wait to see if the surgeon has a recommendation when I see him in September.

Now that I got that out of the way I want to talk about body image. This is a topic that comes up often in the online support groups as well as at support group meetings.

I have three major fears of having bariatric surgery:

  1. Not losing enough weight
  2. Weight regain
  3. Losing the weight and still hating my body

Let’s assume that I will be successful and get to a good healthy weight, let’s also assume I am able to maintain this loss. Now what? No matter how much weight I lose and how much I exercise a body that has carried so much extra weight for so many years is not going to just shrink back with weight loss. This means that without a doubt I will have saggy skin that may require plastic surgery to be removed.

Knowing that plastic surgery for skin removal and tightening is likely going to be in my future I started to do some research on what types of surgery were available and what kind of cost I would be looking at. During my research I found that most plastic surgeons have a gallery on their webpage with the before & after photos, these may be helpful to someone else but what I noticed was that most of these photos were of young women (I am talking early – mid twenties) who were thin to begin with. I started to feel a little depressed looking at the galleries because I am looking at the pictures thinking I will never look like that no matter how much weight I lose, or how much I exercise, or how much I pay in plastic surgery.

Am I going to forever see a fat person every time I look in the mirror?

dysmorphia pic

How do you learn to love yourself and your body? I don’t want to spend 2 hours trying on outfits every time I go out because I feel fat and ugly in everything I put on, I want to look in the mirror and think I am beautiful no matter what size I am.

I can not begin to tell you how many posts from people who have had some type of bariatric surgery saying “I still see a fat person” or “I don’t notice a difference in the mirror.”

On that note I am going to set 2 goals for myself this week again:

  1. Increase my activity
  2. Come up with at least 2 things I like about my body.

What is Wrong With Me?

Last weeks goals:

1. Finish my workout room – nope, didn’t do it because I was too busy drinking and stuffing my face for the weekend.

2. Not to gain any weight – nope, see above!

To make a long story short if I was a train I got derailed. I was unmotivated, unfocused and down right lazy. After such a trainwreck of a weekend I got my shit together and Monday I made a healthy breakfast, had my usual spinach smoothie for a snack, salad for lunch and yogurt and vegetables for an afternoon snack. Then came dinner…..derailed again!  WTF is wrong with me after eating good all day I have chicken fingers and fries for dinner. I have given alot of thought to why I was so tired all weekend and why I couldn’t seem to stop eating no matter how hard I tried and I have come up with only one reasonable explanation, PMS. Since I have had a hysterectomy I don’t have any definite sign that I am experiencing PMS although since I still have my ovaries I do still PMS, this made it a little harder to figure out why I keep having about 1 week where I feel like I can’t stop eating and I crave sugary food.

Tuesday I started again and I have been doing well since, I guess my PMS is over.

Okay enough about my shitty week, I want to talk about my upcoming appointment at the bariatric clinic.

On Monday I have a 3 hour pre-surgery class and I couldn’t be more excited. I don’t know exactly what I am going to learn or what is going to be discussed during this class but I do know that I am going to find a ton of information. I expect to be told what surgeries are offered, what happens during each procedure, everything concerning pre & post op diet and what type of recovery to expect.

I feel like things are still moving slowly but having this class Monday, a dietitian appointment mid August and my surgery consult September 4th at least makes me feel like I am doing something and it also motivates me to get back on track because I want to show the clinic that I am still losing weight at each appointment.

This has been a little bit of a long post but I really want to mention my family, I have talked about the support I have received from my friends before but I haven’t mentioned my family as much. I guess I haven’t really mentioned family because I expected my family to support me no matter what and of course they didn’t let me down. My parents, my in-laws, my kids and especially my husband. My wonderful husband has listened to me ramble on and on about procedures, how our life will change, how I will change and plastic surgery that may be needed for excess skin. He let’s me ramble, watches my 600 lb life with me, and even reads my blog. So thanks to all my family members who are going through all of this with me.

I am going to end this weeks post with my goals again and this week I am going to work a little harder at reaching them.

1. Finish my workout room (going forward I will call this my diva den, since I intend to transform into a diva working out in it).

2. Lose at least 1.5 pounds.

Losing Momentum

I couldn’t bring myself to change my weight on “my progress” page since last Thursday after returning from my weekend away I had gained 4 lbs :(.   Although I knew I would likely gain a pound or two over this week I didn’t expect 4 lbs and I was a little depressed about it.

As for last weeks goals I accomplished both!

1. Eating the free buffet breakfast at the hotel: I accomplished this with a little hesitation and lot’s of discomfort but I did it and it was delicious.

2. Not being so shy about being in photos with my friends: I think I did this too, I still did not like most of the pictures that were taken with me in them but I let the pictures be taken without whining about it.

Now for this week’s weigh in, a 2.6 lb loss. I am happy with this loss since I have been having a very hard time getting back on track since I have returned from my girls weekend. I am slowly getting back on track but I am feeling much less motivated than I did a month ago.

What is it about my current weight that makes me lose focus?

I don’t know the reason but I am determined not to gain all that I have lost back, even if that means being happy with maintaining my current weight for a little while until I can get motivated again. I am not sure if my brain is in vacation mode because it’s summer and I want to sit on my deck and drink beer & pina colada’s or what the problem is but I am constantly thinking about food lately (and not the healthy food).

I need to get my mind off food and to do that I need to focus somewhere else. I am hoping to get my workout room finished this weekend so maybe if I can get that done and up my activity then maybe I can refocus on fitness and stop focussing on food, this just may be the motivation I need to keep going.

This week I am going to set 2 goals again:

1. Finish my workout room

2. Not to gain any weight

My second goal may seem like a lazy goal but to me that will be success for this week.